I took this picture during my first Single Mama Christmas without ex-hub. In all my years in this house, I had never seen anything like it, and took it as a sign that I was going down the right path (and may or may not have heard the Rocky theme in my head...) I am the rose that thrives in the snow--just as all of you are! You are NOT defined by a guy. It may be hard to see now, but you don't need him, and if he is so quick to walk away from you and your family, then it is better to be rid of him now.
First of all, find a moment that you can steal for yourself, when he is not around, and the kids are at school or one of their activities. Cry. Long and hard. I'm talking the ugly cry. Mourn the life, the unrealized dreams, and relationship innocence you have lost. It was stolen from you, and you deserve to let out the hurt and frustration. If you hold it in, your kids will see it, and so will he, and you don't want to hurt them or give him the satisfaction.
I remember the night that the ex-hub said he was going to leave. That he hadn't loved me for the past two years and had been planning this. We were also in the process of trying for a new baby at the time. It was gut-wrenching. I literally felt like someone had switched the Earth's gravitational pull somehow, and I was just Sandra Bullocking my way out into space in a little spaceman (woman?) uniform.
I waited until my daughter was fast asleep next to me, and then I let the tears come. They were silent, because he was on the couch in the next room and my baby was right next to me. I had a full-fledged panic attack. My mind raced, "What am I worth without him? Who else will possibly love me? Who would want a broken woman who can't trust anymore, who has a kid? Now I will never be able to have another baby." And the worst part was the crushing fear of life without him. The fact that I had so little belief in myself and my own abilities, because I had spent ten years pouring that "belief" into a relationship that was a lie, for at least half of that time.
The paranoia... wondering who the other woman was--what did SHE have that made my ex walk from the role he swore to until death do us part. What made him literally tear our family in half? He had a daughter that I helped raise from infancy. I knew in my gut that I wouldn't see much of her, because there was just too much drama in the face of the divorce. That killed. I lost a husband and a child.
But, I was lucky to have some wise people around me at the time, namely my father, who went through a messy divorce himself. Thanks to his experiences, I avoided some of the mistakes he made. That, along with the mistakes I did make, led to my Top Ten List of What To Do When He Leaves:
10.) Find time to cry: This is SO important. I went into a period of numbness after he actually left, because in the same weekend that he and my stepdaughter left, my brother also died tragically (another blog post for another day). Numbness is quite effective, until it's not. It will eventually eat away at the other relationships in your life because people can tell you are not being real with them or yourself. This leads to number 9...
9.) Counseling. Find a way to go: I didn't have a job when he left. His insurance didn't cover mental health, and I didn't want him to know I was going for it anyway, because I was scared he would fight me for custody or something stupid. This was an irrational fear. Counseling during a divorce (or any other major relationship loss: death, a break up) is one of the healthiest and kindest things you can do for yourself. I was embarrassed, too--with the state of my marriage, with the fact that my supermom act was bombing worse than Miley at the VMAs. Okay... so maybe not that bad...
Most of all, as any Single Mama can attest to, my biggest fear was that I couldn't afford counseling. Someone told me to turn to Catholic Charities. I felt awful about it. My situation was bad, but it wasn't dire--there are people worse off! But Catholic Charities is really for anyone in need. Go to the Catholic Charities website to enter your zip code, and they will tell you what services are in your area, as well as contact info. My counseling copay was on a sliding scale based on income, which was $5 or $10 per session, and here is the best part... they won't turn you down if you are struggling to make that payment. They truly want to help. If you are in the position, one day (as I hope to be), donate and pay it forward to help keep them going to help our fellow, newbie, Single Mamas!
8.) Continue Your "Counseling" On Your Own With Spiritual and Positive Growth: Here's the exciting part of your husband or boyfriend leaving you and the kids. You get a do-over. You are a blank canvas and can evolve into anyone that you want to be (obviously while being mindful that it is the best you that you can put forward for your children, since you will now be front and center, as their main caregiver). I am not going to lie. I had plenty of Negative Nancy meltdowns, as my closest friends can attest to, but I was very careful not to do it in front of Princess Sparkles. I made every effort to be positive in front of her. Remember, not only is your world crumbling, your child's is splitting in two, and it is even scarier for them because they literally have no control over anything.
In order to remain positive, I read positive books, like "Zen and the Art of Happiness," by Chris Prentiss (LOVED this one. It teaches you to seek the positive, and to look at life as though everything that happens to you is for your benefit, even if you don't see it immediately. A year and a half post-divorce hell, I can definitely see that the ex-hub and I were not good together. I will always love him, but we are happier, healthier, and better friends and co-parents with some miles between us. This book helped me come to that realization. Buy it used and save $$$ and trees!).
Another one was "Life Code," by Dr. Phil. Go ahead, laugh at me. I'm a Dr. Phil junky. He reminds me of my uncle, with all of his southern sayings, and he's freaking smart, and relays relatable info in this book to help you avoid BAITERS (basically negative people you really do not need in your life, especially now that you are navigating alone, as a Single Mama). One of my friends bought it for me after the divorce and it helped empower me to realize that I have total control over who comes into my life and my daughter's life while she is with me. You have more power than you realize, Mama!
I also turned to my Pastor. I am not an extremist when it comes to religion. I go to Church, not because I fear God will strike me dead if I don't, I go because when I am there, my soul feels lighter. My Pastor's sermons speak to me, his super power is making scripture relate to modern life, and he is real. I also go because Princess Sparkles lights up around her Sunday school teachers and the other kids. I attend for the sense of community. After the divorce, our Church took us in, gave me and Princess Sparkles rides to and from Sunday service because I didn't have a car (and still don't), they helped me out at Christmas, I didn't even have to ask.
They were just there because they wanted to be. No strings attached. Knowing that I didn't have a car, my Pastor met me for coffee quite a few times that first year at coffee shops near my home. I discussed my deepest fears that were instilled by a darker form of religion as a child. I tearfully asked if my little brother, who committed suicide, was in Hell, or finally at rest. That terrified me. I asked if I would be damned because I initiated the divorce, after the ex-hubs walked out, leaving me without much, and at the time, he was angry and slightly violent. My Pastor said that my bro was at rest. God doesn't punish those tortured on Earth. Earth is Hell. He said that God also understood what happened to me and that first and foremost he wants me to protect my child and myself. In this case, it meant a divorce, so that we could begin to move forward and build a new life. A forgiving God... now that I could get on board with.
It doesn't have to be church. It doesn't have to be books. Just find something that helps you grow spiritually. Maybe it's meditation, exercise, yoga, or spending time in Nature. Just find that place that makes your soul sing and helps you to step outside of yourself, allowing you to realize that even though this may be one of the hardest experiences of your life, there is something bigger than you, and you will be okay!!!
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Since this ended up being way longer than anticipated, I am going to break the article into two blog posts. Next week, I will post the rest of my Top Ten List of What to Do When He Leaves. Until then, Mama...breathe. Believe in yourself, and come on over to the From Ashes to Sparkles Facebook Page, where you can hang out with other Single Mamas in a cyber coffee shop. We have chocolate. Vent away! We are here for you! You'll find advice (only if you want it!) and hear a random story or two about Princess Sparkles and her hijinx... Oh, the hijinx... *shakes head and shoves chocolate in mouth*
